The 3 R's in Forgiveness
Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 07:36PM 
On the 1980's television show "A Different World", the character of Whitley had a mantra she learned to say when she was stressed. It was three R's: "Relax, Relate, and Release". When faced with the difficulty of forgiving the seemingly unforgiveable, we should follow Whitley's prescription of the three R's by relaxing, relating, and releasing.
First, relax your tension by focusing on the benefits of forgiving: better physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Second, relate to forgiveness by looking not at what you think the other person has done to you, but look at and admit what your own unforgiving attitude has done to you. When going through this exercise, it doesn't matter how well-justified your attitude toward the other person may be or may seem. That's not the point. You can't do anything about what someone else did to you. You can, however, look at how you reacted and how your reaction has affected you. That is something you can change.
Third, choose to release yourself from the control the other person's attitude or actions have on you.
If you are still having trouble forgiving, use a fourth R: you’d better recognize that no matter what action is performed toward you by someone else, you can control your reaction. You can have peace with or without an apology or restitution.
Forgiving someone who hasn't changed does not mean you are condoning their behavior; it means you are not permitting their behavior to control the quality of your life.
You also don't have to continue to subject yourself to bad behavior by others just because you have forgiven them. The point is not to get bitter, but just to move on. How you move on is an entirely separate question from whether or not you forgive.
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